My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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