Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
