Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Randomize
