dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
