Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
