My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
