I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize