my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
