someone owes me an orgasm
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
