Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
