My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Boobs speak an international language.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
