this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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