he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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