guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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