im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize