10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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