I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
