Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
