She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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