is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
We named our party play list daddy issues
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
