Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
