My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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