good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
