It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
