The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
