i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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