He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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