im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize