Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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