Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
