Will you blow on my dice?
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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