Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i wish my penis had a tongue
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
