You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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