Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
i need some magic done to my vagina
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
