You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
i drank out of a bidet.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Randomize
