he shaved USA in his pubs
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
