I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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