I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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