I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
