Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
