I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I could have mohawked her pubes.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
