Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
tell your sister to shave her snatch
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
