Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
