So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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