a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
