I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
