why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
