Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
