Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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