You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
