So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
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