I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
