i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
