I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
