I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
