I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
