My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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