so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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