They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
