i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Randomize
