Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
