Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
