I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
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