Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
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