Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
