I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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