you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
